Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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