i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
