Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
