I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
