Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
