Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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