...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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