I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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