I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
