I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
