Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
