I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
