Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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