I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
