I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize