I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
