Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
