dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
