Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Holy sore nipples Batman
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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