On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize