Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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