Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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