we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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