Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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