I think I won the penis lottery.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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