this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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