I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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