new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
