She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
