I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
