there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
