I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
