My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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