Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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