Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
