I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize