He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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