i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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