that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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