I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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