We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize