what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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