I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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