for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
