I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
