I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
