Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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