don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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