why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
