somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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