Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
