There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
