I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
