i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
