I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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