I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
