I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
