Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
